'and now your lost, lost forever. .'

I appreciate him a lot. I care for him. I miss him. I don't like to lose him. I want to wrap my arms around him. I want to spend forever by his side. I need him. I want to hold his hands until the day I die. He's special. He's more than a friend.

I love him but I never had the guts to make him know.

Just like before, I know he doesn't really care. But if ever fate played its part on this love story and made him read this post, I hope he'll realize it is him this post is talking about.

I know he couldn't be mine, but my heart will keep on beating for him. I won't promise but I'll try.

Currently reading: the science of love. .
Currently feeling: contemplative

' True love waits.'

I have spent my life searching for the one who'll be with me forever --my so-called "Mr. Right". Though I spent years of looking for that person, I always fail to find him. I always say that I love a certain guy but after seeing his imperfections, I'll change my mind. I'm ,most of the time, like this.

Sweet guys easily sweeps me off my feet. But when left alone I cry. I cry a lot. But there is one thing that guys do when they abscond my life --they make me stronger.

I don't know if I really love a certain person right now. Probably, it's just an after effect of seeing him again. But if I really do love him, I won't be sad if he doesn't love me back. As long as he is happy with the one he loves, I'll be happy. His girl shouldn't make him cry or sad because I'm so strong that I can break her bones. I know she won't.

I'll just sit here and wait for whoever God has prepared for me. I may be single but I can enjoy life with the company of the friends that I have. I am too young to fall in love and too young to break my heart. There is a right time for everything and it is not yet my time to enter relationships.

Currently listening to: only one by yellowcard
Currently feeling: cheerful

'I thought everything was fine.'

I was on my way home from my cell group meeting and I decided to drop by the court near my place to watch a basketball game. From a far, I could see players wearing red jerseys. I hurried and took a seat in one of the bleachers around the court. Alvin Charles Cruz, a friend, was playing. Looking at him as he dribbles the ball, I was reminded of some things that we did before-- hours of non-sense conversations on the phone, strolling around, talking to him when he drops by my place. Poof! He made a ringless shot! Oh well, I'm not amazed for the good game he was playing. He is really good in this sport. It was already 9 pm and the game was done. They won it. I decided to leave and eat my dinner! I was walking and someone tapped my back. It was him. We had a short conversation then I left because I was really hungry.

Upon entering the door, I opened the computer and went to the kitchen for my dinner-- crispy pata. I already took a little of my meal and I looked back on the computer. An instant message from Ephraim. Whoah! I left my food and sent him back a reply. He asked me to join the conference that he was in. Guess who was with him in the conference. It was his special someone. They were having a good conversation and my heart was slowly crashing down to very little pieces. I just decided to finish my meal though I was really excited to have a conversation with him. After some minutes his girl has to leave the conference. We had some conversations but he has to leave as well. He has already spent a lot.

I love him. He doesn't believe it.

I thought everything was fine. I thought I was feeling better. I thought I won't cry anymore. I thought I already accepted the bitter truth -- he doesn't love me, he never will. I don't know why I still care though he had already broke my heart into tiny little pieces. I don't know why the tiny little pieces of this broken heart loves him still.

Currently listening to: slipped away. .
Currently feeling: crushed

' I feel so broken up and I give up. . '

I don't understand why I'm still holding on to something that I know I won't have -- him. This feeling, the situation, him, his girl -- they are killing me.

I was listening to 'only one' by yellowcard yesterday. I keep on playing it again and again. Then this line, 'I feel so broken up and I give up. .', came across my head. It did hurt me a lot but it made me realize how broken I was. I was hurting that much that I was already numb of the pain.

This pain might kill me, but I'll be fine. I'm already numb. I'm not feeling any pain at all.

Currently listening to: only one. .
Currently watching: untold stories. .
Currently feeling: weird

' It was all worth it. '

Washing cars, vending foods, selling old items, cleaning rooms -- these were the activities that made the youth of our church busy this past few days. We tried to raise money for our camp next week. All these activities drained our stored energies. But last night, the greatest fund raising activity that we planned to have came into picture -- 'Rock da Church 4'.

Preparing this concert was really exhausting. Most of us are busy cleaning out youth center, PGIF. The guest bands will be staying there so we need to clean it. Some helped in arranging the instruments up stairs. Some were busy preparing the foods that are to be sold during the concert.

But Kuya Derek and I were busy doing the screen saver for the concert. I never thought that doing a 20-second screen saver will take us 3 hours to finish it. We had brainstormed over the concept yet still find it hard to visualize what the outcome will be. After we finished the screen saver, he gave me a ride to our church.

I went there to clean and help do stuffs for the concert. I was wearing a beach-printed pajama that really caught some attention. I, suddenly, felt so tired. 4:30 pm, I decided to go home and give myself a rest.

The clock struck 6:00. I need to go back to church to prepare for our hotdog sandwich stand. When I got there, we had all things set and waited for visitors. The crowd began to fill the hall. The doors were opened and the audiences took there seats.

The concert started and bands started to perform. EKAME, SaGod, Ecclessiastes, Sanctify, Selah, R.O.C.K, Radical Faith -- they all did great performances. The lights were turned off and Salamin, the night's main act, went up stage and set their instruments.

Everything was set. Loud shrills, deafening shouts, thunderous applauses welcomed Salamin. The crowd left their seats and went near the stage. All cameras, cell phones and video cameras took pictures of the band. But most of those were focused on the band's vocalist, Paolo Valenciano. Being a son of a very prominent celebrity, Gary V., he really caught the people's attention. But as I was watching him, I know he's making his own identity in the industry. The fact that he is into rock music, it showed that he is not completely following the foot steps of Mr. Pure Energy.

Everybody was having a great time as they performed. But before they brought their performance to an end, Paolo gave a message. Taytay is far from their place. They, at first, were hesitant to take the invitation. Thank God they accepted it. 'It was all worth it.' -- a very unforgettable excerpt of Paolo's message. Before he end his message he stated how we, the youth of TFCN, rocked their band. He was blessed with the different way we approach the youth. He gave Pastor Jordan the microphone and led us in a prayer. After that, Salamin gave their final song.

I never thought that this concert will be a hit. We raised funds for the camp and fished for more souls -- this made it a success.

Currently feeling: thankful

TFCN Summer Camp '07 -- not your ordinary church summer camp. Really! This church camp was definitely not like other usual summer camps. It was the best camp that I had attended so far.

8 long hours of stomach-winding travel from Taytay to Benguet, bathing with chilly water every morning, freezing nights -- it was all worth it! This post will be so long but this is still not enough to testify how God works to those who believe in Him. God loves you guys. God bless.

 

Day 01 (May 15,2007) -- The trip to Baguio. .

We had a 2am call-time and left at around 3. Because of my insomnia I wasn't able to sleep easily. I keep on tossing and turning in my seat, looking out the window searching for my star and making "silay" to a guy that really caught my attention the first time I saw “him”. It was around 7 am and we had this stop-over somewhere in Tarlac. I was in the line to the counter when suddenly I felt like I'm about to blow up. I rushed to the CR and bloated! The trip continued and I was so thankful I was able to sleep for 20 minutes.

We reached the camp site at around 11 am and I was still feeling so sick. I actually blew out the Mc Donald's Chicken Meal that I had for lunch. The schedule for the first day was so lenient. We were given a long time to rest. It was 4 pm and the campers gathered in the social hall of LNBC. We had some games to get to know the new people around. We had a fun game called “fruits basket”. After that we were given a piece of paper with some descriptions to be signed by whoever fits that depiction. “Crush mo” – this was the item that really made me smile but I didn’t ask “him” to sign. I got shy. Besides, I just found “him” cute.

We had groupings after. Yhabie, Bryle, Wilson, Erwin, Bunso, Jamaica, Wendell, Vincent, Tupe and I – Issachar. They were my very cool groupmates, a new set of friends. We were given time to introduce our groups to the congregation and presented our cheers. Then we had a worship service with Pastor Jesse Dedel.

 

Day 02 (May 16,2007) -- The life-changing event. .

Being an insomniac, it's usual that I sleep late and wake up so early. I took a bath at around 4 am and went out at around 5. I was alone sitting in one of the benches placed around the court. It was so cold that I decided to go back inside. I stood beside the door of the girl's dorm and stared to an image coming down the stairs from the canteen. To my surprise, it was Pastor Julius running around covered in a blanket. Akala ko kung sino na.

The bell rang and everybody woke up and did their morning routines. We had breakfast, devotion with Kuya Ricky, lectures with Mama Luz, worship with Pastor Capulong then lunch. We had some games for fun. “Passing a monggo seed through a straw tube”, “Backwriting” and “Pasa sa Paa”. We were really exhausted and was given time to rest then dinner was served.

Being the guest speaker, Pastor Jesse Dedel led us in our worship service before the day came to an end. He delivered God's message with some funny ad-libs and really frank comments about the youth. It was so striking. The time allotted for the worship was done and he looked at the clock and said "Allow me to extend and I assure you that after this message you will never be the same again,". This was not exactly the words but this was what I remembered, the idea was the same. He made this breath-taking altar call. I don't know why I felt like kneeling at the altar again. But I did and felt the loving arms of our Father hugging me so close and taking all the burdens that I have in my heart. He has set me free! It was heaven staying in His love. We have to follow the schedule that the leaders made. It was BITIN! We continued the schedule and presented the brokenness political ads that we made. Our eyes were teary and our voices were husky. Kumusta naman un ‘di ba?

 

Day 03 (May 17, 2007) – When all else fails. .

Ricci, Jeng and I woke up early again. What's new? That morning was great. After taking a bath I sat on one of the benches. I prayed and committed that day to the Lord. We were in line for our morning exercise then somebody tapped my back. It was him handing me down my comb. Nice one. I was walking down the site on my way to our devotion area nang bigla akong napilok. Ouch! Sakit nun ah. My right foot was hurt.

Anyway, we did things the same like that of yesterday. We had devotion with Kuya Ricky after our breakfast. Our devotion was about "praising God when everything fails". This was not exactly the theme but it was how I understood it. We were asked to do a covenant for accountability. We had not enough time so Kuya Ricky decided to take it before the day ends. We had lecture with Mama Luz and worship service with Pastor Capulong.

I had just finished my lunch and decided to take a walk. Being an emotional chick, I always wanted to be alone. I sat quietly on the grass, took a piece of paper and pen, listened to some Christian songs and began to write my covenant. I was not able to finish it because my friends asked me to be with them for some pictures.

We had some games during the late afternoon -- obstacle course race and an indoor amazing race. I hit my head on the ground when I was about to crawl under some ropes. I had some bruise on my forehead. But it was fun. Running limply around LNBC, searching for perfect pine cones, eating disgusting foods, dancing adoo-doo-doo, looking for clues, reciting memory verses, looking for Kuya Jordan Ecsusa's ministry verse in the book of Acts -- this was the amazing race in Baguio the indoor version. I really had fun though my right foot was hurting. I enjoyed it a lot because he keeps on smiling at me every time we pass by each other during the game. Isn't that great?

I had 2 bottles of soft drinks -- 7 up for lunch and mirinda for dinner. I may sound "maarte" for saying this but I don't drink water not unless it is mineral. We were practicing for our Lets get it on presentation and I was again starting to feel sick. I got hyperacidic again. I was not feeling well but still I jumped up and down and danced all around when we were having our praise and worship. After that I sat quietly on my seat (so unusual for some because I'm really talkative). I was starting to get dizzy and Ate Yhabie assisted me and gave me some medication. She said it'll be better if I'll take a rest in the dorm but I refused. I was on my way back to the chapel when I slipped over something and twisted my left foot in front of Kuya Jordan.

When Pastor Dedel was done we had praise and worship again. Though I was feeling really really sick, I went in front with some of the "slamman boys" and enjoyed praising God with them. Praising God when all else fails. My tummy and my feet may be failing but God deserves my praises. I was feeling great but still feeling sick. We had sharing time and poof! I saw someone staring at me. Dahil nahuli ko xa, wala xang nagawa at ngumiti nlng sken.

I ended this day chattering with some girls in room 11. We were talking about our plans for the church. Majesty, Ate Jellie, Tin, Jenny, Godette and I see ourselves xe as future leaders of our congregation.

 

Day 04 (May 18, 2007) -- The camp's about to end. .

We woke up a little late than usual. It was around 5 am if I'm not mistaken. Anyway, it was another cold morning. We ate breakfast and had our daily devotions right away. We followed the same schedule. We had the same morning schedule but after we had our lunch, we were asked to prepare for the outdoor version of the Amazing Race in Baguio. I didn’t really want to join the game. I had bruises and I was limping then but still I forced myself to for fun.

Given a budget of 200 php for a group of 12, we have to finish the race and go back to LNBC before the clock strikes 4 pm (as we were informed). 1^st destination: Burnham Park. Here, we were asked to deliver a tongue twister. 2^nd destination: Baguio Cathedral. We were asked to decode some 10 words and 2 bonus words for 5 minutes. We were able to decode only 8 items so we were asked to act as models as a consequence. 3^rd destination: People’s Park. A sentence was asked to passed and be delivered back correctly and completely to Kuia Sam. 4^th destination: Baguio Stage. I was running on my way to the stage when I suddenly fell to the ground. I wasn’t able to see that the platforms were not in line with each other. Nakakahiya. I had bruises on my knees and they hurt. 5^th destination: SM Baguio. We were already looking for Ate Weng and Kuya Yeoj when we knew that we were already running out of time. We were informed that we should be back by 4 pm but it should really be 4:30 so we left them though we haven’t found them yet. We went back to LNBC and we were really tired. We took a rest and our dinner then had our last worship service. After Pastor Dedel delivered God’s word, campers were asked to testify God’s grace through a so-called “open mic”. I was the second who stood up and told the people how God worked in me through the camp. We ended it late but we ended it feeling so blessed. One of the campers, Majesty, actually died but through God’s grace was brought back to life. I’ll never forget this line that Pastor Dedel quoted, “Si Satanas hanggang muntik lang!”.

 

Day 05 (May 19, 2007) -- The battle begins. .

I took a freezing bath for the last day. All the showers were in use so I decided to bathe in the one that has no heater. It was cold but was really cool. We ate our breakfast and had our last devotion with Kuya Ricky. We were doing our Salvation Bracelet while listening to him. After having our closing prayer we went straight ahead to the chapel and had the awarding, picture taking and closing remarks. Before we packed our things we had our final picture-taking. All the campers were gathered in front of the canteen. Kai was standing next to me. We packed our baggage and the bus went off to Burnham Park for our city tour.

We bought some “pasalubong” and took some walk around Baguio. After some time and long walks, we went back to the bus and it went off for Taytay. Baguio, being a very high place was bringing so much pressure as we go done along its steep. I was starting to lose my hearing. We had a stop-over in Tarlac to charge some gasoline and to buy some snacks. Kuya Mackey sat next to me and Ricci. Kumusta naman un 3 kme sa upuan ‘di ba? But having him around was fun. He gave me a massage to relax my body. He kept on talking about anything. We had this last stop-over in NLEX. I thought he’ll go back to his seat after we had our dinner. But he went back to our seat and sat there. Having him around was cool. He kept me awake until we reached Taytay.

My dad fetched me from church. I did something unusual after I got back from the camp, I told them I love them. The battle begins outside the four corners of the chapel in LNBC, the church and PGIF. It begins in the real world.

Currently listening to: break free. .
Currently reading: the air i breathe. .

I have this weird question in mind. If you happened to pass by this post, kindly give me a brief answer.

 

Currently reading: exodus. .
Currently feeling: confused

I'm not one of them. .

*a black and grey love lay-out. .
*poignant blog posts. .
*sad icons. .

Because of these, some people assumed that I am an "emo".

Let me elucidate it.

I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.

I just want to irritate other people with what I feel.

Currently listening to: yesterday's feelings. .